I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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