piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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