she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
