This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
