and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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