Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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