I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
