I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I puked a lego.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
