I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
