What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Ketchup is God's man juice
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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