They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
