I think I won the penis lottery.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
