What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
