Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
