you traded sex for a burrito?
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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