If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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