I CAN MOONWALK!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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