I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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