fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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