God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
it wasn't lemon gatorade
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
