Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
