Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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