so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
