all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm at about main and main street
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
