and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
