so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
