Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
