I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
