we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
