she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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