i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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