things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
