How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
