if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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