You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
