i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
