you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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