it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
