Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
