mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just had sex on a roof
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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