My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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