did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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