OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
