so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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