I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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