i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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