direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
