if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
