chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
did i walk over a car last night?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
