HIV tests are more positive than that guy
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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