Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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