Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
