And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
love makes seman taste better
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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