did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
