Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
The ass gains better be worth it
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