I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
