hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's never too late to be topless.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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