Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
