the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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